Happy Anniversary!

July 26, 1997

Today is my 16th wedding anniversary.  Russ & I married later in life ~ he was 31, I was 29.

There were times I NEVER thought I'd marry ~ and neither did my parents! My mother thought I was too picky and my dad was worried he'd end up having to take care of me!  I had dated some, but only had one really serious relationship before Russ.

That relationship, which was so intensely romantic and heart-pounding, ended abruptly, leaving me devastated and disillusioned.  After almost a year of sweet sentiments, pages and pages of love letters (he lived 3 hours away) and deliciously passionate moments, my "boyfriend" informed me that not only was I too "fat" for him, (I think I tripped the old scale at a whopping 130 lbs.!) but he "did not love me". Oh, and by the way, he was seeing someone else.  The only way I can describe how I felt ~ well, I was destroyed.

I remember feeling my stomach hit the floor and instantly nauseous.  I covered my face with my hands, too shocked to utter a sound, although I began to quake with sobs.  I remember managing to whisper, "But I love you," as tears coursed down my face.  I remember him being coldly detached as he tried to explain that although we had everything he wanted in a marriage, he was no longer attracted to me because of my weight.  "I want to be able to compliment you honestly, but I can't. Your stomach is too fat." he had the gall to say. 

Every insecurity I'd ever experienced came rushing back with glaring clarity. Again, I was the overweight preteen that despaired when my friends developed "cute" little figures while my shape could only be described as a potato. These same "friends" called me "Fatty" and made fun of my flat chest. Wanting desperately to be accepted, I laughed along with them even though I cried on the inside.  

By my 16th birthday, I finally caught up with my peers physically and lost the extra weight, but used methods that weren't healthy.  But in my mind, I looked the way I thought I was supposed to, and as an added bonus, had caught the attention of a sweet boy in my church.

That relationship was short-lived, but filled with drama.  It left me feeling like I wasn't good enough or attractive enough, no matter what I did.  So began the impossible journey of trying to live up to every one's expectations.  I threw myself into music and decided it would be my "thing".  Surely college would be better.

It wasn't.  If you weren't "perfect", then you were nothing.  Even though I went to a Christian college, the guys were only interested in you if you were deemed as fun ~ which meant obnoxiously loud ~ the typical "dumb blond", serious eye candy or had a daddy who had a "big name" in our college's association.  I was still pretty shy and introverted, so it's safe to say that no one was rushing to knock at my door.  One person referred to me a "social tard", so I guess that sums up how I was perceived by my peers.

Needless to say, I didn't date much.  After graduation, and landing my first teaching position, I became more confident and outgoing.  I was successful in my field and had accomplished a lot of things in my music program.  My choirs placed not only at the regional and state levels, but nationally as well.  

I was at the top of my game that year.  I was about to turn 25 and was content in life.  That was the summer when I met Joe.  

We had attended church camp together as teenagers, and he had always caught my eye.  He was an amazing singer, and was cute.  That summer, I went back to that old campground to visit during camp week.  He was there as well, and the sparks flew!  We spent the rest of the evening talking. When it was time for me to leave, he asked for my address.  To my surprise, I received a large letter the next week.  

He swept me off my feet, showering me with flowery sentiments like my hair was like auburn silk and my eyes were like sapphires.  You know, that kind of mush.  Because of my inexperience, I fell for his lines ~ hook, line, and sinker. I fell ~ completely ~ in love!  Because of this I allowed passion to rule our relationship. Although we never went "all the way", I allowed him certain liberties that I never should have.  Then the inevitable happened.

I became self-loathing, thinking I was worthless and that no one would ever want me, so I started packing on the weight, seemingly confident on the outside, but miserable on the inside. 

A year and a half later, he called me, declaring that he now knew that I was the woman God had planned for him and that he wanted us to get back together.  All could think of was that if I was too fat and unattractive at 130, then 180 would really be unacceptable!  I muttered something intelligent like "Well, I'm not the same person anymore."  We talked a few minutes more, the conversation ending with him declaring his love, a promise to move to my town to finish his degree, and marry me.

2 weeks later, I found out through a mutual friend that he'd eloped.  Literally. Overnight.  Seems that he went to his current girlfriend's apartment to end the relationship, but ended up eloping the next day.  Knowing his passionate nature, I understood why.  He went too far and had to.

I shut down.  Completely.  I was through with men.  I was tired of being used by guys I thought liked me only to find out I was a stepping stone to get to a "better" woman who was my friend at the time. I was tired of being judged by my weight, personality and how I was "supposed" to act!

That's when the Lord took hold of me.  HE was my relentless Lover that pursued me.  HE wanted me.  HE loved me.  HE sang over me.  I was continually in HIS thoughts!  HE wanted to give me an abundant life!  HE wanted me to learn to find joy and fulfillment in HIM!

2 years later, on January 29, 1997 ~ a cold Wednesday evening ~ Russ asked me if I would like to go out for coffee with him after church.  Although I hate coffee, I accepted ~ I'd definitely noticed him!  (I'll save that story for another time!) We had a sweet date, just talking and getting to know one another.  

He took me home and walked me to my front door. Taking the keys from my hand, he unlocked my door, and felt around to turn on the lights inside. Handing back the keys, he said that he just wanted to make sure my apartment was safe before I went in.  I muttered my thanks, said goodnight, and closed the door.

Sinking to the couch, I buried my head in my hands and began to cry.  Why? Because I had written in my diary over a year before that if I ever dated anyone again, I wanted him to care enough about me that when he brought me home, he'd take my keys, unlock my apartment, and make sure it was safe before I went in!

He asked me out again for Friday night.  I accepted.  He told me on our date that "Thursday was the longest day of my life."  We spent the next 3 months spending time together every single day.  Russ simply became part of my normal, everyday life. I came home from work to make us dinner.  He'd arrive soon after, we'd discuss our day as we ate.  He'd help clean up, spend an hour or so talking with me, then go home to study.  (He was in graduate school at the time.)

Russ wasn't (and still isn't) one for flowery sentiment. "You sure look purdy." was about as romantic as he got.  But I didn't need the sentiment.  The light in his eyes and the tenderness in his smile was enough.  He looked at me as if I were the greatest treasure he'd ever received and was going to treat me as such.

I never had that "sick, loud feeling" of insecurity or worried about those inevitable awkward silences that can occur.  Being with him can only be described as quiet peace.

As I commented in an earlier post, a wise friend of mine told me that love was a choice, not a feeling. That being said, I didn't "fall in love" with Russ. I had experienced those feelings before, and things didn't end up the way I wanted!  This time, I chose to love him!  How could I not?  He accepted me completely.  He chose me, and wanted me, no matter what I looked like. (In fact, after we married, he informed me that he liked my curves!)  He accepted me for who I was with no conditions. And it freed me of all my inhibitions and insecurities.  It was as if God had shown me His love through Russ.  That's when it hit me ~ Russ loved me the way God did.  You see, God gave me the desire of my yearning heart!

Exactly 3 months to the day of our 1st date, Russ proposed to me on a horse-drawn carriage. (Another entry I'd put in my diary that he had no idea about!) We were married 3 months later on July 26, 1997.

So here we are, 16 years later.  We've had our rough times ~ he's said himself that any other woman would have left him by now ~ but we've weathered every storm ~ and by God's grace, will continue to do so, standing by our commitment that we choose each other for a lifetime.  

"I am my Beloved's and my Beloved is mine"  

Song of Solomon 6:3

  Our 1st Thanksgiving, 1997

I have so much to be thankful for!

I am so blessed!