Fitness Friday

Time for transparancy.  Here goes.

I've struggled with my weight from the time I was in 5th grade.  I remember sweating in the dressing room of a department store at the age of 11 or 12, trying to squeeze into a jean skirt ~ only to realize it wasn't about to zip because of my pudgy belly. Frustrated, I squirmed out of the skirt, thankful for the sudden freedom.

"I think we need this in a larger size," I remember my mom telling the saleslady.  "What size do you have?" the nice lady asked.  "A size 14," my mom replied quietly as she handed the skirt to the salesperson.  Then the seemingly sweet lady gave a sigh and cooed, "I'm sorry, but that's the largest size they come in.  Perhaps you can find something in the women's department," she then added in a disparaging tone.

My mom's eyes met mine in the mirror.  And in that instant, I knew.  I was fat.  As I studied my red, sweaty face, stringy hair and the fat rolls above my flower panties,  I felt ashamed.  Already, I had witnessed most of my friends beginning that "wonderful" transitioning of girlhood to adolescence.  They were getting thinner waists, hips, and, most importantly, boobs.  They had the beginnings of the coveted hourglass figure.   I, on the other hand, was more like a wine glass ~ round ~ well, everywhere except where it mattered!

So I withdrew.  Sure, I still went along with the flow of life, but I felt inferior.  And, of course, the criticism and teasing of so-called "friends" only added to my pre-pubescent angst.  Because of that, I ate.  I could eat an entire bag of Doritos from the grocery store to my house.  I chugged bottles of Pepsi.  I gorged on candy bars, cookies, and cakes.  I ate plates of spaghetti.  I even remember eating 7 tacos in one sitting. All the while, I hated myself.  And because I had such low self-worth, I allowed people to treat me like dirt.

That was my life until I was 15 years old.  I don't know what happened, but something clicked within me that I had had enough.  I was tired of being the butt of jokes, being left out ~ being ~ insignificant.

I began to exercise.  I had this LP record of ~ all things! ~ country aerobics.  I sweated.  I struggled!  I was in pain!  But within a couple of weeks, I could tell a difference.  My skirts were looser ~ I wasn't out of breath in PE class when we had to run.  In fact, by the time the 400 meter dash came around later in the semester, I came in 3rd place ~ right behind the track girls.  Sweet victory! ~ that is, until I puked my guts out all over the finish line! Oh, well.

However, my eating had changed, but not for the good.  I simply didn't eat.  No more breakfasts ~ only a Pepsi for lunch ~ and a lettuce salad with oil, vinegar and seasoning salt for dinner.  I did eat pretty healthy on the weekends, because we ate together as a family and what I ate was noticed.

Finally, by my senior year, I had arrived at my goal weight: 110 pounds.  Dress size ~ 2's and 3's.  I was wearing the cutest clothes that showed off my Barbie-like figure.  I was the fashion plate!  I had finally arrived!  

Then came college.  I became so busy, I quit exercising.  I had classes straight from 7:30 until 11:30 with no break.  Because my next class wasn't until 1pm, I ate out almost every day.  If money was tight, I dined on what I could find in the vending-machines.  When I arrived home, it was time for homework, piano practice, traveling over the weekends with a singing group, or my part-time job.  By the time I had graduated, I had gained  a little over 25 pounds.

My once-size 3 figure grew into a size 8, a size 12, and then (gasp!) a size 14.  (I know, right? I was huge! Not!)   However, the self-loathing returned, full-force.  Once again, the name-calling started.  Again, the critical comments arrived. "Honey, you couldn't squeeze into a size 12 if you wanted to." ~ that was said by my "best friend".  To top it all off, the guy I thought I was in love with had the audacity to tell me that he couldn't commit to me because I had a "fat" stomach and that he "couldn't compliment me honestly." (However, when I look back at pictures of myself at that time, I now realize how great I looked!  120-140 pounds was not fat! I wish I could be "fat" like that now!)

Add 17 years and 3 pregnancies later.  I reached a size 18-20, and tipped the scales almost 100 pounds heavier.  I was miserable, ashamed, and felt as if I were a total failure.

Those feelings stayed with me until a little over a year ago.  I despised my gluttony, but I couldn't stop, and that scared me.  (I think it's very important to mention that my husband has never ~ and I stress ~ never had an issue with my weight, but he has worried about my health.)  I realized that it was time to analyze myself and be completely honest.  Yes, I am fat. Morbidly obese being the clinical term.  Yes, I am an emotional eater, but I can no longer allow food to be a solace.  I also cannot continue to excuse my gluttony or allow any excuse for my condition.  I had to make changes in my life.  So I took a small step to give up something I didn't think I could ever live without ~ Dr. Pepper.

November 1st marked the first year of being "clean", and boy, does it feel good!  No more bloated, rock-hard stomach that made me look like I was 9 months pregnant ~ no more heartburn ~ and, as an extra bonus ~ that my husband totally loves ~ is that I'm saving almost $30 a month by not purchasing it!

Exercise is now a constant in my life.  I was walking almost 3 miles a day until I developed plantar fasciitus. I couldn't walk. Terrifying thoughts of putting back on the weight made me sick to my stomach.  However, I learned from the podiatrist that I had lost almost 30 pounds!  That kept me motivated, so I didn't begin that downward spiral of emotional eating yet again.

I've maintained my weight loss during my hiatus, and have recently taken up walking again ~ only about 1-1/2 miles every other day.  Even during these recent freezing temperatures, I feel revitalized and energized.

I also use a fitness ball and do 2 types of Zumba on the other 3 days.  (I don't have the funds ~ or the desire ~ to go to a gym.  I did the majority of my walking there last year, but hated it. Walking around a track gets monotonous after a while, plus I got tired of keeping track of what lap I was on!)

Yes, I still love food ~ but I strongly believe in moderation.  As Giada de Laurentiis said in a magazine interview I read recently, "Eat a little of everything ~ but not a lot of anything."  She also emphasized eating 5 small meals a day.  She also suggested to eat the more carb-friendly foods early, like around lunchtime, where you will have time to burn off the extra calories.  She also mentioned that eating protein at dinner will hold you over until breakfast the next morning.

Just to verify, I will continue to use butter and cream in my cooking, but I will only eat a small portion of the finished product ~ not the whole thing.  I will make certain lifestyle changes, but I'm not going to go radical. I've seen too many people loose enormous amounts of weight by exercising like crazy and only eat low-calorie food.  After they loose their desired weight, and feel great, they inevitably go back to their former lifestyle.  They put almost every pound back on. Sometimes even with a few extra to spare.  

I don't want to do that.  I believe it's a change in your mindset and attitude as much as your diet.  I'm happy to say that I no longer view food as a solace.  It's fuel.  Fuel to be enjoyed and savored ~ why else would God give us taste buds?  Fuel to get us moving.

The most important realization came to me very recently.  I had left out the most significant facet of all:  God. My worth/value is found in Him ~ not in my own eyes or in the eyes of others.  Only in Him.  He loves me, wants me to make my body the best temple I can be for His service.  If that isn't divine motivation or intervention, I don't know what is!  

I plan on loosing this weight slowly.  After all, it took me years to put it all on ~ I can't expect to take it off in a few months.  

I will try to write a little each month about my fitness journey.  Hope you stop by!